VHS

   Let's just start by saying that I am so fucking sick of found-footage horror movies.  They were cool once, with The Blair Witch Project, [REC] (the Spanish version, duh), and maybe the first Paranormal Activity movie.  Now they're done.  The sub-genre is dead.  Let's say a few words, dig a grave, and bury them.
   VHS, despite what I consider a lackluster format, gets points for doing things that haven't been done yet.  It's a horror anthology, with five bite-sized horror stories framed by another.

Tape 56
The frame narrative.  Basically a bunch of hooligans break into an old, dead guy's house and start watching his VHS tapes, looking for one that they're supposed to steal.  Why this dude still has VHS tapes or a VCR are completely beyond me.  My future hypothetical children probably won't even know what VHS tapes are.     Spoiler: Anyway, turns out old, dead dude is a zombie and all the hooligans die.  Nobody mourns them.

Amateur Night
The first tape is POV through some creeper's camera glasses.  His friends want him to use these glasses to film himself having sex with a couple of girls they picked up at that bar.  One of them is creepy and weird.  She has huge, bug-eyes, and all she keeps saying is "I like you."  Spoiler: Once she starts growing scales and eating his friends, Clint loses his boner.  Discovering he is no longer interested, the shame of the succubus is palpable.  You actually feel sorry for her, right until she picks up Clint with her foot-talons, flies him straight up, and drops him onto the ground below.

Second Honeymoon
A married couple, Sam and Stephanie, go on a road trip through Old West tourist traps.  After they check into their skeazy hotel a mysterious woman knocks on their door and asks for a ride.  They politely decline.  Next thing we know, a mysterious intruder picks up the camera and films the sleeping couple, lingering on the buttocks of the wife.  Next the intruder dips Sam's toothbrush in the toilet.  Honestly, he probably deserves it after pressuring Stephanie to have sex on camera and accusing her of stealing money out of his wallet.
Spoiler: The intruder kills Sam, turns out to be a hot lesbian, and then makes out with Stephanie in front of the camera.  

Tuesday the Seventeenth
Four young adults go camping at an underpopulated lake.  Anyone who's read my previous posts knows how I feel about camping. Obviously inspired by Friday the 13th. Spoiler: Survivor girl is nuts and used her friends as bait so she can kill the killer.  Super unsuccessfully.

The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger
I have to admit, I don't think I really got this one.  Emily keeps telling her doctor boyfriend about all this creepy shit that keeps happening in her new apartment.  Plus she has this weird thing in her arm that she keeps trying to dig out with tweezers and kitchen implements.  Spoiler: Doctors diagnose her as schizoaffective, but really her boyfriend is helping aliens use her as an incubator for their creepy alien fetuses. Oh, and he's cheating on her.  The girl he's cheating on also has this weird thing in her arm...

10/31/98
Four dudes attempt to go to a Halloween party.  They don't realize that they have the wrong house, even though there seems to be no one there.  They break in anyway, because hey, the party has to be there, right?  Instead of a super cool haunted house, they end up witnessing an exorcism.  Being the super geniuses they so obviously are, they save the girl the strange men in the attack are trying to exorcise.  Spoiler: She drives their car in front of an oncoming train.  No one is surprised.

Apparently they're making a second one, to which I say, "meh."  Barely worth a watch once, I can't believe I watched it twice.  VHS gets two out of five VHS tapes.